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HomeLifestylesPulse‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ is the worst movie of 2017 so far

‘Transformers: The Last Knight’ is the worst movie of 2017 so far

Transformers: The Last Knight (Rated B)

Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Anthony Hopkins, Laura Haddock

Genre: Science Fiction/ Action

Dwight’s Rating: Watch Paint Dry Instead!

This one deserves all the superlatives!

Not in terms of quality! No, quite far from it! Rather, in terms of grammar — as in, according to Webster’s Dictionary, “relating to the degree of grammatical comparison that denotes an extreme or unsurpassed level or extent.”

And in this regard, whip out all the superlatives you can for “Transformers: The Last Knight”. Words like dumbest, loudest, longest, lousiest or stupidest! Or perhaps most ridiculous, most ludicrous, most preposterous, most convoluted or most awful!

This badly written, poorly acted mess is the WORST movie so far for 2017 (it’s doubtful anything could get worse), and is certainly in the running on the long list for “very worst movie of the decade”.

For what seemed like four hours (it’s actually ONLY two-and-a-half!), I asked repeatedly “when will this madness end?” — both the film and this horrible franchise. This now decade-old series gets progressively worse with each successive edition, with this fifth one displaying nowhere near the modest charm and humor of the original.

In this version, we find that humans are at war with the Transformers, and Optimus Prime, the wise leader of the Autobots, is gone. The key to saving the future lies buried in the secrets of the past and the hidden history of Transformers on Earth. Now, it’s up to the unlikely alliance of inventor Cade Yeager (Mark Wahlberg), Bumblebee, an English lord and an Oxford professor to save the world.

I can’t begin to explain the level of insufferableness here, especially the entire first hour, which is completely superfluous. This silly attempt to create a new mythology about the Transformers — suggesting that they’ve been here on Earth since as far back as the Dark Ages, and have helped influence human history for over a millennium — is just a massive time waster.

Director Michael Bay (“Bad Boys”, “Pearl Harbor” and all previous Transformer movies, and who deserves to be tried for crimes against humanity) should have seriously considered chopping off the first 60 minutes. Things do pick up when Walhberg’s character finally meets up with that English lord and the professor, played by Oscar-winner Anthony Hopkins and Laura Haddock, respectively.

At this point, the already-childlike script shifts from cartoonish grunting to jocularity, as it begins to work hard to create some cutesy, flirty dialogue to emphasize that Wahlberg’s Cade and Haddock’s Vivian should be romantically involved. Starting off with this, and more of Hopkins, would probably have made the whole affair more tolerable. But by the time we do get to it, you’re already exhausted.

We also get an overload of smart aleck robots, constantly verbally sparring. It’s more annoying than entertaining, and potentially insulting, and it’s never been quite clear why these alien metal objects have such unusual international accents or regional dialects and very bad attitudes, and why they don’t all carry themselves with the snooty dignity of Optimus Prime.

Of greater concern, though, is the performance of the humans.

No scene with actual living beings — even with a great thespian like Sir Anthony — is more than 30-40 seconds long. It’s all very rushed, uncomfortable and unsettling, contributing to an extremely unsubstantial feel.

And of course, in typical Michael Bay style, the final fighting scene is a cacophonous bacchanal, likely to frighten those who’ve been in war zones. Replete with cartoon-like “you’ll never defeat me” dialogue, nonstop crashing metal, explosions, explosions and explosions, even someone who’s fallen asleep could be catapulted into a full on seizure.

Most disturbing of all, however, is this film’s local theater rating. In the United States it gets a PG-13 — “parents strongly cautioned: some material may be inappropriate for children under 13”. But here in The Bahamas it inexplicably has a B rating — “under 18 must be accompanied by an adult”.

That’s unfortunate, as the level of violence and especially violent language is astounding. Every naughty word is used except for the “F-bomb”. There’s a good number of “As”, quite a few “Bs”, and more “S” words than I’ve heard in a non-R-rated film in the last couple decades! Almost every cast member exhibits these potty-mouths, including a group of pre-teens (who also add absolutely no value to this nonsense). These kids inexplicably spew swear words, left, right and center.

The showing I attended was well populated by the 10-and-under crowd, and the little child (no more than seven years old I’d guess) who kicked my chair for the entire two-and-a-half-hours, surely learned new ways to express himself that day.

In case you think I’m being an uptight prude, and you’re one of those “they hear worse everyday at home and on the streets” types of people, I hope you still feel that way later this summer when a little one informs you that your vacation plan “has gone to s—” and that your “fat a–” needs to better — all direct quotes from this B-rated movie. Perhaps the T rating (15-yrs and older) would have been more appropriate.

For those who may be praying that the “last” in “The Last Knight” title is a reference to this being the final edition of this atrocious series, pray harder! If you make it to the final minute of this trash, you’ll learn there is more of this silliness on the way.

For 10 years, adults have tried to make Transformers a movie franchise that would appeal to adults, but based on dumb characters originally designed to appeal solely to little children.

We have routinely been getting something that is tiresome for most adults and inappropriate for children, and could probably only be best appreciated by drunken child sailors. It goes without saying that such a notion would be a superlatively bad thing.

 

 

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