Monday, Feb 24, 2020
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Advice for Inspector Kevin Evans-Clouseau

Dear Editor,

The real Kevin Evans has been unmasked. He is the reincarnation of legendary Inspector Jacques Clouseau, the bumbling French detective from the “The Pink Panther” movies who fails to solve even the simplest mysteries.

One of the more humorous quotes from Inspector Clouseau lines up perfectly with Evans’ recent bit of detective work – a trail of breadcrumbs that he lays leading to a short list of only two people in the entire Bahamas on whose head the cap of respectability as a penman could possibly fit.

“It won’t be easy, that is why I have always failed where others have succeeded,” the mercurial sleuth said, a phrase that accurately describes Inspector Evans-Clouseau’s awesome powers of deductive reasoning.

Unfortunately, his conclusions can only be digested as farce because he erroneously accepted as fact many bits of corroboration that exist only as figments of his own rather fertile imagination.

His assumptions are the stuff of both comedy and tragedy. Comedic because some of his postulations are bizarre enough to trigger the laugh impulse and tragic because he is convinced that out of 400,000 citizens only those who served in Parliament could have a firm grasp of policy, procedure and civics.

The usually percipient Inspector Evans-Clouseau has let the side down and needs to go back to the drawing board.

Better still, he can train his passion for deepening our democracy onto issues of importance to the body politic and the nation instead of following conspiracy theorist Pierre Dupuch down a rabbit-hole of baseless, tactless innuendo and contemptible supposition.

Come on, inspector. A cruise line that we just gave the keys to the city of Freeport stands accused of dumping waste in our waters; Brave Davis is taking offense at something this week; and pigs are being force-bred to swim for food to appease tourists.

Surely these are more important to the newspaper readership than who berated whom in 1962, who hitched a ride on whose early political bandwagon in the last general election cycle, or who may have had the privilege of sitting in Parliament in any seat other than in the Strangers’ Gallery.

The actual Inspector Clouseau became the target of ridicule largely because his overwhelming self-importance painted a bullseye on his back.

Even Inspector Evans-Clouseau ought to be capable of grasping the difference between fact and pretense. The newspapers have satirists and comedy writers who get paid to blur the lines of reality and nonsense in order to summon laughter.

I refer to the inspector the words of a genuine prolific writer, Horatio Walpole, an English aristocrat, man of letters and a politician who died in 1797: “The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.”

We won’t spare a penny for your feelings Inspector Evans-Clouseau but will gladly proffer a shilling for your thoughts.

Senior citizens may have exchanged those early coins in their daily trading, but many younger people who can’t tell thruppence from sixpence, have studied and therefore have some knowledge of the former coins of the realm. Translation, you don’t have to have lived in the moment yesterday to capture and describe its relevance today.

Finally, inspector, here’s a real clue for your archives. This writer prefers a mortarboard over a cap.

– The Graduate

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