Tuesday, May 26, 2020
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32 secrets for a spicy marriage

Today, I thought I would share what I discovered healthy couples do to keep the spark in their marriage. I call this “Brennen’s 32 Secrets for a Spicy Marriage”.

Here is how to measure how spicy is your marriage. Beside each statement, write “D” if you are doing it regularly, “O” if you are doing it once-in-a-while, “N” if you have never done it, and at the end, total the scores.

Here’s how to interpret your scores: 25 or more “Ds” indicate a healthy marriage with little or no repair needed; 24 to 15 “Ds” indicate a somewhat healthy marriage with some repair needed; 14 to one “Ds” indicate an unhealthy marriage with much repair needed; 25 or more “Ns” indicate the marriage is in trouble – get help; 25 or more “Os” indicate the marriage has too many weak links and vulnerable to failure. Go ahead and have fun.

• You feel safe to share your joys with your spouse (happy feelings, events).

• You feel safe to share your tears with your spouse (painful feelings, events).

• You are comfortable saying positive things about your spouse with close friends or relatives.

• You have an irresistible attitude – not cranky, critical, harsh.

• You make love at least once a week (not just have sex).

• You sleep together always or go to bed the same time at least three times a week.

• You shower together occasionally.

• You both hug each other first thing every morning for about 20 seconds while standing on your feet.

• You sleep naked one night every year without having sex.

• You kiss passionately every day for about 10 seconds.

• You listen to each other. You listen with your heart and not just your ears.

• You have a non-judgmental attitude. (Do not accuse your partner of doing something you cannot prove).

• You dance together privately while holding each other closely.

• You know each other’s needs and learn how to meet them.

• You pray together (if both are Christians).

• You play together. You have fun time and romantic times together.

• You never assume you know what you partner is saying or thinking.

• You take time to clarify what is being said before it is discussed.

• You do not put words in your partner’s mouth.

• You take vacations together for at least two weeks each year.

• You have a weekly date night (at home or out of the home).

• You know that you are not the boss of your partner (he/she is an adult).

• You eat together at least three times a week.

• You affirm each other every day with encouraging and sweet words.

• You understand the true meaning of intimacy. (Having lots of touching and doing things without sex on the agenda.)

• You understand the power of great sex.

• You know that love isn’t enough. (Good communication and conflict resolution skills, etc., are needed.)

• You have a couple financial plan. (Have one couple/family budget with both of our income.)

• You have a couple mission statement similar to those found in businesses that is displayed on a significant wall in the house for all to see.

• You know and understand your spouse’s needs and know how to meet them.

• You know and understand your spouse’s love language.

• You are humble – willing to change, share power, listen to your partner, say you’re sorry and admit wrong.

• Barrington Brennen is a counseling psychologist and marriage and family therapist. Send your questions to question@soencouragement.org or call 242-327-1980 or visit www.soencouragement.org.

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